Content warning: some talk of sex and consent
I am allowed to want sex. This is for some reason really hard for me to get into my dumb head. But I think it might still be true.
I’m not prude and not afraid of revealing things about myself when directly asked. I think in general I’m even pro-sex. But still something deep inside me feels like wanting sex is bad because sometimes people force other people into having it, and it’s hard to imagine someone enthusiastically consenting to having sex with me. I know this is not a reasoned position, but cut me some slack because it took me a long time to even realize that there is this thing inside me.
I’ve said before that the first time I heard the phrase “Asian fetish” I sort of knew instinctively that it didn’t refer to attraction to Asian men, only women. (Maybe you could point out odd counterexamples but I think by and large this is still true.) I also recently realized that I sort of in general by default assume that people are grossed out by the idea of physical intimacy with me. Even when I was in elementary school I felt so bad for girls who were forced to hold my hand because we happened to be standing next to each other in a circle in gym class. I’ve always felt inwardly like all touch from me must be secretly unwanted, and this often keeps me from hugging and kissing people.
Sex feels good physically, and it also makes me feel desirable and useful. Desirable because it generally involves a partner to act as evidence that there are people who find me attractive enough to fuck, and useful because that partner also often gets something out of it.
Also, “allowed to want sex” sounds a lot like I think I’m entitled to sex. I think that’s related to why it’s so hard for me to get it into my dumb head.