On the one hand, I am thrilled to have a hormonal cycle on which I can blame my antisocial bouts and acne. On the other hand, it’s possible, and maybe even likely, that I use it as an excuse to deny my personal responsibility. Let me give you an example: yesterday for dinner I bought two carrots, two zucchini, a potato, and a family size bag of Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles for $6 at the grocery store around the corner. I brought the fresh produce and factory-made-capitalism-snack back in a plastic bag that said “REUSE - THIS BAG CAN BE REUSED” in bold, green letters on both sides. Hungry, I chopped up my froots n’ roots into chewable slices and wedges, glazed them in olive oil and all-purpose-seasoning and put them right in the oven at 415 degrees for 25 minutes. Then I went to my room to gobble 1000 calories worth of chips while waiting for my roasted vegetables. I wasn’t hungry anymore.
But maybe in 20 days when I’m feeling up for it I’ll reuse the plastic bag.
Do you know any adults who don’t brush their teeth every night? I’m happy to report that as of 2017 you don’t. Or you do, maybe. But its not me anymore is the point. Also if you do know someone please introduce me because nobody else seems to understand how big of an accomplishment this is to me and I’d like someone to talk to about it.
Aziz Ansari says that asian men and black women have the lowest success ratings on dating apps. What does this mean for me? I’m glad you asked. It means 1. try to find dates in person, 2. be a fun date and 3. swipe on more black women??? I dunno.
Actually fuck it all. Maybe I’ll just update my pictures.
New fetish: when a girl’s tinder profile is just her name, age 23 and “not actually 23.” It’s like two truths and a lie except you only get one truth and an intense desire to bang your head on something hard.
I leave you with this parting thought: Robin Hood but in reverse. Think about it. He’d be like Benjamin Button.